May 22, 2012
Let’s be honest, we’re all hypocrites on some level. What level is the question?
The Hipster – Level 10
Your disease has gone as viral as an incurable STD, which is why no one wants to admit they have it. Meek kitschy music is your religion and your god is the Biblical one, due to his beard. You eat at deck new restaurants called Meat & Bread, because eating vegetables would give you too much energy and you might use it. You’re sure that the revolution will happen with or without you, and when it does, you’ll be watching it on your Ipad on mute listening to a band you’d prefer not to name, in case they get overplayed. Look what happened to Foster the People. You fear the collapse of mainstream culture, because then your parasitic identity would have nothing to be superior to.
The Meat Eating Hippie – Level 9
You call yourself a Buddhist and lift bugs to safety in the palm of your hand saying: “there you go, little fella.” You tell people that ground beef makes you feel grounded without batting a dreadlock at the irony. You wear factory farmed rooster feathers in your hair to make you look like a forest goddess. You go to expensive retreats to restore the well-being of your sacred marriage, eating for breakfast eggs that came to your plate via garburating 99% of the males at the hatchery.
The Easy Going Guy – Level 8A
You love your friends and family. You like music, and other stuff, too. You get emo when your hockey team loses. You say you hate Nickleback but sing along to it when alone in your truck. You know you should want a woman with an airbrushed Maxim ass, but secretly know that you’d have to spend too much time at the gym to keep up with her so you settle on the hot mess who’s drunk 5 nights a week. You’ll change the world, if it’s what everyone else feels like doing that night.
The Gal Pal – Level 8B
You have a great spray tan that you tell yourself isn’t too orange. You’d do anything for your BFF, unless she got weird and complicated. You love all the things you should: Jennifer Aniston, Coach bags, Ugg boots. You hate all the thing you should: Mondays, gaining weight, and ugh – PMS. You’re offended by the phrase: first world problems. You dress your dog up and accessorize yourself to match with your fave parka with the real dog fur trim.
The Babyboomer – Level 7
You are a committed recycling underachiever. You are appalled by slutty pop singers these days, and yet you know who is in rehab, who has breast implants, and who smoked out of a bong last weekend. You were so emotionally damaged from hiding under your desk during the cold war bomb threats that a part of you is still hiding there.
The Libertarian Capitalist – Level 6
You believe there is a ‘pure’ capitalism that could exist, but can’t figure out how to transform the greedy, wasteful capitalism of today to get there. You spread anti-government links through capitalism-affirming social media platforms, occasionally #hashtag acknowledging that selling your personal information for profit is #notcool. You think the only alternative to capitalism is communism – and they tried that already and it didn’t work. You think that competition is healthy, because otherwise people are lazy; you would know.
The Realist – Level 5
You’re too smart to be an optimist. Koni, climate change, the Wall Street bailouts—history repeats itself and you can’t do anything to change that; and if you could – nah, you probably wouldn’t, realistically. You have a hunch that 911 was an inside job, but you’ll never know exactly what happened, so no point forming an opinion. You call people sheeple, and sometimes eat lamb. You don’t use question marks #whybother
The Vegetarian – Level 4
You refuse to eat disgusting animal flesh, but crave animal secretions because they’re “comfort food”. You don’t feel the need to cut out ALL animal products because you’re already doing so much. You drink organic milk and eat free range eggs because these foods don’t involve killing the animal… right away. You think veganism may weave your hair into dreadlocks, lock by lock. Switzerland is your favourite country; waffles your favourite food.
The Enviro Fundamentalist – Level 3
You live off the grid in a forest commune and hunt small rodents to stay alive. You place yourself too far away from technology to change the world. You are at one with nature; it is literally wedged in your every orifice. You exchange a modern diet of nonviolence for a Paleolithic diet of violence because it’s more “natural”. You past-urbate to loincloths and wooden clubs. You let MTV film your journey towards enlightenment for $20,000.
The Vegan – Level 2
You’re against animal cruelty but own a cat or dog, so your fridge is full of factory farmed meat. You fly across the world attending animal rights conferences pumping tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. You waive your right to have children and use the extra time to blog about #breeders. You are as offended by a pregnant woman as a slaughterhouse. Nonviolence is your religion, but you seem to frequently want to slap fur bitches upside the head. You walk on the pavement crushing millions of innocent bugs with each step.
The Fruitarian – Level 1
You eat as low on the food chain as possible to be gentle, while traveling the planet with celebrity frequency; you prefer the term “nomad”. You believe in voluntary extinction – that humans should sacrifice their full existence to sustain the environment, but sometimes you wonder if humans aren’t part of the environment. You plan to live off the land, as long as there is an internet connection – high speed.