Are you more afraid of aging than death?

Then sit back and let me be your lab rat today in:

3 Cruelty-Free Sunless Tanners

Pitted Against Each Other

1. Clarins Liquid Bronze Self-Tanning


Brand: Clarins claims their motto is “plants and nothing but plants”. Clarins also claims that it was one of the first companies to stop testing on animals in 1988.

Scent: Eggnog. It doesn’t have that nauseating soy-sauce-brown-sugar scent that many other self-tanners emanate, but still has a strong scent.

Effectiveness: Clarins Liquid Bronze Self Tanning works, but at what cost? (see below)

Longevity: Clarins Liquid Bronze Self Tanning should be applied every 2 or 3 days.

Skin Irritation: ingredients include DHA, Erythrulose, aloe vera, and vitamin e. I did notice some mild breakouts with this product, possibly because the product contains too many ingredients (hence the added scent to conceal them.)


Verdict: Although the scent of this product is better than most, its ingredients are not gentle enough on the skin.

2. Phytomer Creamy Self Tanning Gel


Brand: Phytomer claims to have respect for natural equilibrium in their algae farming practices. They also claim to act for environmental protection.

Scent: None. The only self-tanner I have tried that does not smell. There is a fragrance listed in the ingredients, but it does not smell, let alone smell like a self-tanner.

Effectiveness: Aye, there’s the rub… While Phytomer’s Creamy Self Tanning Gel appears to work on the body, producing a light, but natural tan, the results aren’t as noticeable on the face.

Longevity: I applied this stuff every single day to my face while I was in Hawaii, and still couldn’t tell if it was working. Even the body results only last 2 days max.

Skin Irritation: Phytomer contains marine sugars to stimulate the skin’s melanin. The product is a clear, silky gel, but has more of an oily than creamy texture, no matter what they say. So does it cause breakouts? The rich texture is not something those with problem skin want to risk.

Price:$44.50 ~ Yowsa.

Verdict: Better work for that price! Oh right, it doesn’t really.

3. Nature’s Gate Upper Tanagement


Brand: Nature’s Gate Organics claims to seek to replace chemicals with natural alternatives and claims to value sustainability.

Scent: Coffee ice cream or Bailey’s, but mild – not overbearing.

Effectiveness: This stuff is dope. It works overnight to create a natural look.

Longevity: Tanagement should be applied roughly twice a week. 

Skin Irritation: Containing olive oil as a moisturizer and ivy as a soothing anti-inflammatory, Tanagement is the best natural colour you can get without rubbing dirt and berries on your skin. Because this tanner is in the cream form, it can be mixed with moisturizers and (so far) has not induced any breakout wrath.

Price: Tanagement is on sale at Whole Foods right now for $14.99 ~ an unbeatable price. (Normally it is around $22.00)

Verdict: Hands down winner!

*None of these products are tested on animals.

And now, a bibliographic shout out to the propaganda that inspired this title:

Hopefully the kids asked their parents, then thought about it on their own, possibly researching the different drugs available, possibly from the library from an AADAC pamphlet and determined what their effects were, then went out and experimented with a couple (and questionned the ones that were tested on animals), then made the decision for themselves.


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